Seeking Joy
Happy Summer Friends. I always think I will dedicate more time to this blog and give it the time and attention it deserves, but life is also happening.
Since I last updated, we have squeezed in many joyful moments. Ryan turned 4, and all the kids wrapped up another school year. There is little on the medical side to update. However, I will have some important appointments over the next few weeks.
Nothing says summer like baseball. We kicked ours off with the world-champion Texas Rangers. Also, Rhet caught a ball; this was a core memory.
June 10th will mark two years and 731 days (this year was a leap year) of this new life.
I have had more than eight MRIs of my brain, more than 12 CT scans of my chest, a handful of PET scans, eight rounds of targeted radiation therapy to various areas of my body, and four cycles of chemotherapy. I have learned to live my life in three-month increments, which is generally the time frame between scans.
Depending on the results, I can be found on the highest of mountains (where I have currently been) or in the lowest of valleys, a place I am too familiar with, a place I fear, a place I always feel lurking. I feel my life will be spent traveling between the hilltop and the valley.
I am working on finding joy in both places.
Sometimes, I still forget that this is my life. You would think that something like stage IV lung cancer would never leave your mind, but it can; it does.
Then, I receive a Mycahrt message or a phone call reminding me of an upcoming appointment, lab, or test; I snap back to reality.
I’m a mom to 4 kids who occupy most of my time and thoughts, a job that takes my mind to a place I enjoy, and a husband who makes life a breeze; this is the life I dreamed of.
Believe it or not, I don’t look much up on the internet; I did that initially. Based on the information on the internet, I should have already been dead.
I still get overwhelmed by all the information: clinical trials, supplements, vitamins, diets, and the do’s and don’ts.
I put a lot of pressure on myself, mostly about how much time I spend with my kids, alone time with Josh (which is rare), working more, exercising more, and attempting to be social, which I’m not very good at these days.
I was once a social butterfly, but sometimes, the thought makes me incredibly anxious; this makes me sad, and I think about how much fun I used to be. I miss her. I am forever grateful to be surrounded by such friendship and grace.
I also think about how much peanut butter I eat. Is it too much? Am I wrong to consider it a source of protein? I really LOVE peanut butter, and I don’t trust people who don’t like it; it’s like not liking dogs—strange and un-American.
I try hard to follow the Mediterranean diet; I don’t eat red meat, I try not to eat processed food, and I try not to eat anything with added sugar, but man, I love Special K cereal. I love Greek yogurt, but I’m afraid to eat it. Is the dairy too much? Don’t get me started on milk. I have never liked cow’s milk and have always found it odd that we are the only animal that drinks another animal’s milk; we can unpack that another time.
Dr. Amy has been one of my comforts on IG, just click on the picture.
I read the Eat Right for Your Blood Type, and they recommend soy milk. Is soy safe? I need to read more about that. I rarely drink alcohol; I need to be nice to my liver. I miss the alcohol sometimes, the social aspect of it, the way it calmed my nerves. I only drink alkaline water, but I’m confident it’s not enough.
I think about the things I want to do. I often consider returning to school for a family nurse practitioner or pediatric psychiatric nurse practitioner license. I look at the different programs online and get excited, but then it hits me: the fear of making plans.
I feel like I don’t spend enough time in prayer or alone with God, and I’m not where I once was. I’m scared that I am asking too much of God and that he won’t heal everyone. I am afraid that if I do not receive healing on this side of eternity, my kids will have a coldness in their hearts.
I want to be closer to God.
I can read everything I just listed, and I know it’s exhausting and irrational, but this is where I am. These are all the things that are running through my mind. I can assure you that of all the thoughts on my mind, my fears about God are the first to leave.
That’s the thing about God; he never ceases to amaze me, to rescue me, to love me.
I find so much truth in Paul's writing to the church in Philippi while in prison. Philippians is a letter of joy, the true joy we can find in following Christ. When I am walking through this storm or the storms, I stir up in my head,
I turn to God, the one who knows me best.
I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I have said countless times how much the support, love, and prayers have touched our family. Those of you standing in the gaps of faith for me have genuinely changed my life.
Please continue to pray for total healing over my body.
I had my routine brain MRI on May 28th, but as of this moment, I do not have the results. I will have an ECHO on Thursday, June 6th, and my routine chest CT on Friday, June 7th at 11 am. I am now being followed by my Endocrinology; my blood sugar and insulin are acting up. And, as I mentioned, June 10th will be two years;
I am desperately pleading to God that this is just a drop in the bucket of the many years ahead of me.
I also ask you to pray for the women, men, wives, husbands, mothers, and fathers who are exactly where I am, fighting for their lives while still trying to live a life.
