Back to That Place
And with one scan and one conversation, I am back to that place. That place is the most brutal place I’ve ever visited, where fear reigns, and my faith and hope struggle for a breath within me.
This is a harsh reminder that this thing in my body, this unwelcomed squatter, can show up when least expected. I can tell you, with great praise, that there are no areas of progression in my brain.
Where we are.
There have been some areas we have been following since early August. I went to MD Anderson on Tuesday & Wednesday of this week. I had a PET scan and an MRI of my spine and back to compare to the PET and MRI done in early August. The August images showed possible areas of concern on my left posterior rib ( the 9th rib, to be exact.) The site seemed small and not overly concerning; the thought was to wait until mid-October and repeat images.
I have been having subtle but increasing back pain; my appointments were moved to this week.
The PET and MRI confirm two areas of progression to my back: the left posterior 9th rib and the T12 vertebral body.
The more disappointing report was a new progression area to the hilar lymph node in my right lung.
This report was a blow and not what I expected.
I’m wrecked; I want to hide; I want this not to be my life.
Actually, I want Josh and I to sell everything we own, buy an RV, take our little family, and run away. I would soak up every moment with them while showing them the world. But then I remember, I can’t. The scans, doctor appointments, and treatments won't fit in that RV. My kids, my babies, my Josh, this still paralyzes me—the thought of this terrible thing happening in their lives. I’m scared that their lives will be harder, sad, and they will be bitter.
Josh deserves more, more me, more time, more happiness. I can’t breathe.
I leave this place and move to this new place, my dream place.
I dream about the things I'm most scared of missing.
In these dreams, I am with Josh. We are enjoying the summer at our beach house, preparing for all the kids to come and visit for the summer.
I get to see Rush. He is the first to arrive with his beautiful wife and our very first grandbaby. We laugh because his wife has monogrammed all of the swimsuits, and at this moment, like many more that will come, he will realize he has married someone like his mother; this will serve us all well. She is lovely. Rush is so much like his father; he is an amazing man.
Then I see Rhet Thomas. It is a huge deal that he is joining us this summer at the beach, and I waste no time making this a big deal; I will most likely be cooking a few of his favorite meals. He could never stay in one place too long, and since finishing college, he has been traveling the world, but he loves his mom.
Our sweet Ridge is next to arrive. This kid has held firm in his love of reading and learning and is pursuing another degree. He has never missed a summer at the beach. He loves walking alone with me in the mornings; our conversations are effortless, and he still holds my hand.
Like a wrecking ball, Ryan Kate blasts in, usually with dramatic events that lead to her arrival. Her brothers laugh, and Josh and I shake our heads; we are happy she is here in one piece. She is still in college, and we often remind her that degrees aren’t just handed out; she has to earn them. Even with all her extraordinary daily life events and that spice that has never left, her passion, desire, and drive will serve well to achieve her dream of becoming a nurse.
But most of all, in this place, I’m with Josh. Just us. We made it. Four babies that we now get to enjoy, twenty-eight years of raising kids from birth to graduation, we did it together. I’m with Josh, the man who gave me all of this, whose love has never faltered, who deserves this, and so much more. I’m with Josh.
I’m scared.
Then I’m back to that place where fear reigns, and I can breathe. I’m desperate and scared. I’m crippled at the thought of never seeing Rush’s beautiful family, watching Rhet Thomas do big things, experiencing Ridge's extraordinary mind, and watching my Ryan Kate. Ryan Kate hits me a little harder. I want to be with her in middle and high school, watch her go to college, decorate her dorm, fall in love, plan a wedding, and become a mom because I know she will be incredible with everything she does.
My heart aches desperately for this.
I can’t stay in this place; I know this. I take a breath.
The presence of silence never equals the absence of God.
I feel him. I spend time reading His Word; He shows me how much He loves me and who He is. He is a good, good father. I stand on God, my firm foundation.
I found this song, which is not a new one, but it so beautifully captures where I am.
Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me
What’s next
I will head back to MD Anderson sooner than later. My scans are being reviewed, and when they are confident about who will biopsy the lymph node in my lung, I will return, probably next week. The biopsy is crucial as it could reveal any new mutations that might have already developed and require different treatments.
I will stay on my oral medication (Tagrisso); however, they want to add four rounds of Platinum-based chemotherapy. One cycle is 28 days; I would need 4 of these cycles. They will also use radiation to destroy the tumors on my ribs, back, and lungs. The lymph node in my lung is very close to a major blood vessel; this will require extra attention when radiating.
God, rid this cancer from my body.
We are asking you to pray and surround us with your faithfulness.
Join us in praying without ceasing, God we ask you for;
~ Total and complete healing on this side of eternity.
~ Fear, I am scared. It is a crippling feeling when I think about my children. I don’t know how to say this other than I simply need more time with them, many more years.
~ Answers: I know we will not get exact answers from our medical team, but I am asking God to show up and help lead our family. There are a lot of unknown and stressful everyday life issues. I pray God leads, and we follow.
~ Josh he silently deals with so much. From running this house, the kid's schedule, our finances, and loving me well. I know he is scared and sad. I am his person, and he has difficulty talking to anyone else.
I give myself a brief moment to sit in this place; then I press on.
Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
