Trading my Fears for Faith

I was discharged home from the hospital Wednesday, June 15th. Friday, June 17th, I began to journal, something I am still doing. During the first weeks home from the hospital, I was restless, and sleep was a forgotten ritual that I no longer participated in, partly because of the high-dose steroids I was taking but mostly because I craved the daytime when Josh and our babies could occupy my mind.  The night was quiet and provided too much space to fill my mind with those thoughts and fears that would cripple me and leave me breathless.

I made this walk around the lake by our home countless times. The sunrise would settle me, and I could get up; I had survived another day.

I would lie in bed, holding Josh’s hand while he was sleeping, waiting impatiently for the sun to come up. I would get dressed, grab my AirPods, and walk. I would listen to music and talk to God; most of these conversations were out loud, often with tears; I usually had my hands placed on my right lung or head, begging for healing.

I’m sure I was a sight for my fellow neighborhood walkers and runners. Their faces became familiar, and soon I would go unnoticed. Occasionally I would see one of my favorite friends, who is an avid runner, and she would sit with me on the bench by the lake and pray & cry with me. I would return home, sit on my front porch, and read my bible and journal.

I share this to say; I did not just instantly surrender; there was no… “Here ya go, God, I'm sick, but I won't worry; amen, Love Karly.”

And I don’t want to paint the picture that it was that simple for me.

June 17, 2022

Thank you, God, for this day. I have felt scared and sad most of today. I cry out to you, Oh God heal my body. I know none of this sickness is from you. I also don’t know how to pray all the time or how to have faith all the time. I pray for the Holy Spirit to come; come now and fill this space for me. One Day, Lord, help me see just one day and see your GLORY in what this day beings. Please help me keep FAITH in total HEALING, but also FAITH that you are holding my entire family. I need Faith, and I want more time. PLEASE let us be together for many more years; I pray for peaceful sleep, prayers, and supernatural healing. Thank you for loving me.

Amen, 

Karly  

Psalm 91:1-2, 4. 

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” He Will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings, you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

If you are hurting or afraid and life is taking a turn you did not expect, I want you to know that God is a shelter. Dwell with Him; let Him provide you rest. Trade your fears for faith. He will keep you safe.